i told my wife today that reality and nature don't give a damn what she wants. i want to erase that last sentence. she wasn't sad about it. we weren't arguing. i said it, and she agreed, or at least nodded and took it. 

she talked with the doctor and the doctor said that he's going to schedule an ultrasound to see if she has lymphoma. 

i watched citizenfour. 

i want to give up, or rather I want to give in. I want to just get a normal job, take a normal paycheck, spend a normal weekend with my family. I'm not sure what i am resisting. perhaps I don't want to work for a company like edward snowden had. I don't want to fuck with people's lives, support large corporations that treat people no different than agent smith's hive: people who are made to mine and be mined. 

can I do any good in this world. 

i wish I could work pro bono for the world. but I don't even know if i would be doing the right thing. how can I be sure that I am not harming anyone in some way. violence, it seems, is inevitable. even this writing is violent.