I dream I wrote down ten years ago, and am recalling from a note today

it was an outdoor stage. there was no audience. it wasn't even a stage, but it felt compact, crafted. there were stairs high on the left leading down to a pool in the center and then stairs extending up to the right. I entered stage left at the height of the stairs naked. I walked down the stairs after clothing myself, and I washed my face. when I washed my face my eyes started to glow. I took a step upward. I waited mid-way. was I meditating, was I relaxing. I exited stage right. 

I was all alone, like I usually am. 

I miss the dreams where I would fly by tucking my legs up into my chest. 

on rare nights, I dream of jumping so high I can glide down. 

I'm glad my subconscious believes in ways that I don't while I am a awake. 
but it also scares the shit out of me.


no, nope. I have to stop on this dream thing for a bit. 

I had this dream while i was on a mission for the lds church. it was very much like the temple ceremony. I was really convinced of this dream, and in some ways I still am. at least, I want to be, and I don't want to be, I guess sometimes I feel bisexual (but what I really mean is that I feel bispiritual). what I mean to say is that I sometimes feel a deep desire to believe in and trust in god, and at other times I am almost sickened by the suggestion that there is a god, completely convinced that there isn't a god. i oscillate between the two. I suppose one may find me an infidel, but I want to be fido or canem, I want to be god's pup or some scientific classification by an animal only slightly smarter than the one being classified (or maybe I should say differently smarter). 

but really, I want to know what I am to make of this dream. I almost feel as though ... well, I haven't had a dream like this, or anywhere near this since serving my mission, and I want to say that this occurred during a time when I was obsessing over studying the temple, and so it would be a natural occurrence for me to have such a dream. I wanted to believe (or I did at the time) that the dream was some reward from god for diligent study. I do want to say that I totally respect my dedication back then, but I suppose it was a time when I was freed from responsibilities so as to be able to make it my only obsession. 

but despite the fact that I had this dream occur because of how I had directed my thoughts throughout the day, the moment still feels holy to me. and it is this feeling of holiness that I haven't been able to experience for a while, and I don't think that it has to do with god, or with god withholding his spirit or anything of that tenor, rather I feel that it comes down to my ability to relax into holiness. I feel as though I am guarded (for good reason) with skepticism and fear. 

I see nothing worthy of surrendering to, in the same way that I used to surrender to christ. yet, I hope to find it again, with the same passion and sincerity. I must admit, it was gratifying.