diary entry

today was my first day at church in delaware. but I’m less interested in what I did than I am in how I did today. I’m less interested in the details of what happened than I am in the meaning of what happened. I want to know what the meaning is behind things. what is meaning. why does something have meaning. I hate to admit that we are just chemical reactions blooming and dying. there is something so small to that. I can’t stand to think that I am a mere chemical reaction that is unfolding. this is why I want to create unpredictable and somewhat logical chaos. I think that logical chaos is interesting. the fact that I can combine logic and chaos says that there is some resistance to the idea of chemical fulfilment. art is a way that I can resist the progression of meaninglessness. art is a method of agency. I want to show myself that I can do something that is not utilitarian. I wasn’t into any of that today . actually. I just went to church. 


I think that the education system in church is simple . you know I don’t want to talk about that. I don’t really find anything within the church worth commenting on. it’s not something that I feel worthy to criticize. 


I did have a thought occur today. yes . it was types of birth . ways of being born. while I was talking with kylie . she mentioned that sam believes that babies are born by boxes buried in the ground being dug up. it came from his misunderstanding of a movie he was watching where the parents were digging a grave for their baby. here is what resulted in my mind . a misunderstanding of a misunderstanding..


when a child is born . god will package a small body in a box and come down to earth with a shovel . wearing a grey cloak . wandering around until he finds a nice spot of ground. he will bury the child on the ocean front in the sand . or perhaps in the depths of the roots by a tree. 


parents will have to search for the child. married couples have to go on adventures to find their child. it’s really a form of treasure hunting.