diary entry

I just need to write. I’ve been needing to write for a long time now, and I don’t have a single thing to say. I avoided getting sucked into terribleness. I am being vague on purpose. I wish that I hadn’t given into temptation before. I think that I’ve given myself something that I have to live with the rest of my life, a handicap, a thorn in the flesh, an unfortunate ghost. I gave myself a ghost. Maybe all the ghosts are ghosts of myself. They are selves that are horrific and terrible in their possibilities, and they come to me begging to be fulfilled and I know that they are full of misery. I can’t think of anything more horrifying than a doppelgänger. What makes this so horrifying is that it is of the same strength as I am because it is me. Then again it is only the wisp of my and I can beat wisps of myself. I can take those on. I think that there is importance in doing what is right. I believe that there is right. I believe that Christ is right. I can’t think of anything else that is right, if there can only be one thing that is right. I know what the problem is. I’m just seized by selfishness and I need to do something for someone else, I need grace. 


Book of Mormon Journal 95


I want to write about higher laws. At one point in the class Brother Hunter talked about the Israelites rejecting the Melchizedek Priesthood, and by thus doing they were required to live a lower law, or in other words the Mosaic Law, which the Scribes and Pharisees eventually mutilate beyond its original intent that Christ has to come again and rectify and restore the gospel in it’s fulness. I’ve always wondered at some of the very specific things that we are asked to do in the church, and I wonder that they feel like some of the mosaic laws (and dare I say that they sometimes feel a little Pharisaic, perhaps not the things that the Church gives us, but perhaps things that local leaders try to implement). Such things that feel this way are tithing and home teaching. Tithing is the lower law to the Law of Consecration. Home Teaching is the lower law of “love thy neighbor as thyself” (Mark 12:31) If we really lived the Law of Consecration, and if we really loved our neighbor, then what would the purpose be of giving a measly 10 percent (compared to all I have), then what would the purpose be of visiting an assigned family once a month (compared to daily, even hourly, concern and love for our neighbors)? At one point the Israelites, after they were done dancing around the golden calf and Moses smashed the tablets in front of the Israelites, were given a new set of commandments because they didn’t live up to the first set. Interestingly enough this happened to the Church today as well: “Which vanity and unbelief have brought the whole church under condemnation. And this condemnation resteth upon the children of Zion, even all. And they shall remain under this condemnation until they repent and remember the new covenant, even the Book of Mormon and the former commandments which I have given them, not only to say, but to do according to that which I have written” (Doctrine and Covenants 84:55-57). I don’t know if, or when the condemnation has been lifted, but it was there at one point, and there is a difference between higher and lower laws. I think there really is only one law: love the Lord thy God. All the laws and prophets hang on this one law. 


Book of Mormon Journal 96


I had an insight in class that seemed close to a revelation, but perhaps it was just an epiphany (but perhaps that there is no difference between the two. And yet this is probably left better for another time and discussion). I was thinking about how damming the doctrine of homosexuality is. I wonder if this isn’t why the idea of homosexual marriage is so dangerous: let’s imagine for a moment that two men are married, and they are married for years, and they have developed the same kind of intimate relationship that any married couple had. Now let’s say that the missionaries come and ask them to join the church. Can they join the church if they are married in a homosexual relationship? I don’t know. But besides that, let’s imagine that they can be baptized and they are baptized. In fact let’s even get a little crazy and say that they can be sealed in the temple, sealed together for all time and all eternity, and let’s get really crazy and say that they become Gods like our father in heaven and that they have the ability to create worlds and inherit all that the Father has, and there the tragedy begins to unfold, there we begin to see that there is no possible way for them to become Gods in the eternities. There we see these two men in the eternities with no possible way of creating a posterity to inherit the worlds that they create. There we find that there is only damnation in such a relationship, that they cannot possibly become the Gods that they were meant to become. That they become nothing more than just celestial engineers and architects. They are only able to fulfill half of the plan of salvation, and what has been done is not salvation, but if there were sealed to each other they would be sealed to damnation. And let’s go back to these men who have been married for twenty years in their little apartment, and the missionaries are sitting across from them and telling them that God wishes they were divorced, that God will not save them unless they marry a woman instead of that partner that they have chosen. What chance do they have of salvation then? What chance to they have of divorcing each other after twenty years of friendship and intimacy? This would take great faith to overcome. Here’s a scripture (and yes, “The Family: a proclamation to the world” is scripture), “marriage is between a man and a woman.” It’s pretty clear why.